Perspective.....

Two really big things happened to me yesterday morning. First I woke up and when online to check Facebook like I do so many times. I had fallen asleep the night before so I didn't really know how everything fell out with the Presidential election.  I was struck by a post from my friend Leslie and after my day ended yesterday, that post seemed to be lingering in the back of my mind and heart.

Leslie wrote:

"Two quotes this morning : Maya Angelou said them both. 1) “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” 2) “We spend precious hours fearing the inevitable. It would be wise to use that time adoring our families, cherishing our friends and living our lives.”

On this day of my birth and everyday I choose to adore my family, cherish my friends and live my life.
Stay kind my friends."

 ❤️

Secondly, as I drove to bible study that morning, there was a rainbow right above me. It gave me such a sense of peace and that "everything is gonna be alright" feeling. I really thought in that moment that the washing of peace was related to the state of our country right now. Which in many ways I still believe it was related to that. But I also feel that it was God's personal interaction with me to prepare my heart for what laid ahead in my day.

Sometime towards the evening I was notified that my grandma was not doing well. She had been in the hospital for a little over a week and has been quite sick this year. Overall, she had seemed to be getting better. Talk about perspective with all the negativity going on in our world today, THE ONLY thing that mattered to me yesterday was family! Within a few hours my grandma passed. It has been a long time since I have cried as much as I have in the past 12 hours.  I am heartbroken to not have been there with her, or be there to love on my grandpa and my mom but I am so thankful that she spent this past week with my mom and aunt....and just the day before she passed she was laughing and having a good time with her daughters. 

Leslie's quote reminds me that we can choose to allow the circumstances around us to define our day, our life or our happiness or we can choose to LIVE and LOVE and BE in the moment with the ones that we love and cherish. I don't think I would have had such a profound feeling, if I had not heard those words from a friend. She of course was referring the the election and everything going on around that but it just truly gave me perspective for the day. I was blessed enough to grow up with my grandma (and grandpa) on all sides of my family. I have wonderful memories and heart stories that will forever keep her spirit alive. I am also thankful that my children not only had the chance to have great-grandparents but they really KNOW their great grandparents. Over the last couple years it got harder to go back and visit but luckily we spent a couple weeks there this last summer and I will cherish those memories forever. 

It is this perspective that I will carry with me in the coming months and years. As I am sure will happen, things will be crazy as we go into the next year. Everything going on in our world, in our communities, can tear us apart if we let it. Don't! I have decided that there is NOTHING so important that you should ever lose sight of the love around you. And now I am choosing to rest. Rest in the peace of all the joy in my life. Rest in time that I get to spend with my children. Loving my husband. Knowing my parents. Finding myself. Creating friendships. Mourning with family. Experiencing life. Learning new things. Making memories. This life that we have been given is a gift and we don't know how many days are marked for us....don't waste one more day on hate or discontentment....find your own perspective and I pray that it is love!  And once you find that perspective don't lose sight of it as you go on with your day to day life. xoxoxo

~S 

Psalm 18:28  “You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

Before I go I just wanted to leave this little tribute to my grandma here. I loved her so much and I think that I was so much like her. I value the time that I had with her, the lessons she taught and the tough love she gave. There really aren't words to describe how I feel right now at her loss but I do know that she IS NOT IN PAIN. She is probably up in heaven scolding me for the photos I am about to post of her in her pajamas.....and THAT right there....is her spirit I will always remember. I love you grandma.

I AM Enough

I have been working on this blog for the last month. I have actually had to change it a few times because during the course of this month, Keaton went from “about to graduate” to “just graduated”. In honor of Mother’s Day I figured it was time to get it published. Hopefully it brings a little smile to the hearts of anyone who struggles with feeling they are not enough or not doing enough for their kids.

I think that we all struggle with being enough for our kids. We don’t want to mess them up or drive them away. We don’t want to ignore them. We don’t want to do everything for them. Nowadays, there is advice for EVERY scenario you can think of and sometimes its hard to weed out the fluff and feel confident in knowing what you did or are doing as a mommy is/was what was best for your kids and truly know in your heart that it doesn’t really matter what so-n-so did…..because EVERY child is different….and EVERY family has different circumstances.

As I write this I think of where I am at with my three boys. Keaton just graduated from college and will be heading off to grad school.  He is official on his way…adulthood!!!  While he is certainly smart enough and completely a well-rounded kid, I can’t help but wonder if I “enjoyed” enough of the time I had with him?

Mason moved out last summer and is also attending college. He lives a couple of hours away and due to his work, golf and school schedule we don’t see each other often. He is doing well in school and we are so proud of his “living on his own” (he does have a roommate). This is certainly a natural progression of life, but I can’t help but wonder if I prepared him for all the things he needs to know to be on his own?

Then there is Evan. The last one I have left to teach. And literally I am teaching him. We embarked on a home schooling adventure this year that has had its rewards and struggles.  I wouldn’t take back one moment of this year because I have loved being with him, talking to him and just generally getting to know him. Yet I can’t help but wonder, have I taught him well enough?

As I struggled with all these thoughts, all of a sudden I realized…these are not my children. They are children of God.  And if I am doing my best to follow God’s commands in raising them…then I can only assume that I AM doing enough….that I AM ENOUGH!

Then just like that the seeds of doubt crept back in. Luckily, a couple of weeks ago while visiting the Island, I went to our old church. (The timing of being in the middle of this article was truly God inspired). People naturally asked how things were going.  In all honesty, I thought I was doing better. I mean, in all truthfulness, I hadn’t cried in a couple of months.  But in that moment my friend touched on something that I was clearly struggling with….my inadequacy as a home educator.  She hugged me and said she would pray for me, then she said these amazing words, “Evan will be alright!!!” He words were so simple yet so profound. She went on to explain that there was no way that he wasn’t learning and that I needed to stop doubting myself and listening to “societies opinion of success and education”. In my heart, I do know all the learning that happens in and outside our home. If anything I am probably trying to teach him more because we are constantly together. But even so I had allowed the negativities that I hear to affect my confidence.

I am not going to even go into detail or defend our life choice, I am just going to heed those words, “Evan will be alright.” I am going to keep my eyes on Jesus and keep doing the best that I can each day. And the truth of the matter is that all three of my boys are “going to be alright”. Did I make mistakes along the way in their lives? I am sure I did. Did I love them whole-heartedly and unconditionally? You bet I did. Did I try to raise them with love for the Lord, respect for others and integrity? Without a doubt yes!

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks-They are still God’s children entrusted to me to raise and I AM Enough for them! Us mommies need to spend more time reflecting in God’s words and reminding ourselves that we don’t have to be perfect or live up to someone else's expectation for our life. 

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

Lets not spend anymore of the precious time we have with our babies worrying about things we probably can't change or really don't need to do differently.  Because in most instances you are already doing a fantastic job....need I say again, YOU are Enough!

Happy Belated Mother’s Day Friends!

~S

A Year of Change....part 2 & 3

It's been awhile since I have posted. I know that I had promised a finish to our crazy 2015. It had been my plan to do it in 3 parts since we had a couple family vacations mixed in, but I am going for it...gonna give it to y'all at once and then move on. If you missed part 1, here is is Our Year of Change Part 1.  I chose to do this series mostly because I do realize that it may have been hard to figure out exactly what happened last year in our lives (because we were literally ALL over the U.S.)

So we got Mason all graduated and then we had to focus on actually moving. With Jimmy still gone the task was crazy overwhelming. I was done with work but running summer camp so I was exhausted all the time. Washington decided to give us a summer and so it was also quite warm!  Soon school was over for Evan and he sadly had to say good-bye to his friends and his home. He headed off to Montana to visit Nana and PawPaw, then to Chicago with Auntie Courtney for most of the summer. It was bittersweet to have him leave. It allowed me to focus solely on the house but it was a tearful goodbye. It was the going to be the longest I had even been without him.

He had/has such a great group of friends in Oak Harbor

As July approached it was clear that we were not going to find a home to move into by the time we left for Chicago to pick up Evan and  have a little family vacation. We decided to put everything we could in storage and "move in" with my parents until we could catch our breaths. With ONE decision under our belts we took a break to enjoy a great annual 4th of July at our friends house (who were also our neighbors-for a few more days at least).

Meanwhile, Evan was living it up in Montana.....

and catching a train to Chicago.....

None too soon, it was back to business. Luckily we had a great village behind us. I don't know how we would have functioned (especially with Jimmy gone most of the time) without our friends.  Storage unit day arrived and we busted a move to get it all done while we had bodies to help. Like most of my plans.....it was a lofty goal. Luckily we did get most of the big stuff it at least. 

Then one of the many sad days to come arrived. My little Masey Jo moved out. I knew the day would come. For goodness sakes, he was graduated and most likely going to college. It just hit me hard with all the changes. He moved in with his best friends' dad with plans to stay in Oak Harbor and go to Skagit Valley College. It was more than a mama's heart could take. I was happy for his future but sad that he was all grown up!

A few days later with a very sad heart....we left the island....

The sadness was shortly out of our minds as we embarked in a fun family trip to Chicago to pick up Evan and see my sister and her family. I felt soooo blessed to, after everything we had endured over the last few months, to have my entire family in one spot at one time.  We had a fun couple of days where we got to explore Chicago and drive to Bloomington, Indiana to see Jimmy's grandma and Aunt.  

But like all great things, the family portion of our trip came to an end. Jimmy and Mason needed to return to Washington for work. Keaton stayed on to visit with us and of course Evan was "stuck" with mom! (hehe)  Over the next few days Courtney and I attended our Origami Owl conference. We had a great time visiting with our "owl" friends, meeting the founders, seeing new products and getting inspired.

To add to the fun of this trip (AKA....not thinking about being "homeless") my bestie Aubrey flew in from Pensacola and we had another great day in Chicago.

This was just a prelude to the real fun which was a girls weekend in New York City. My other bestie Amy was headed to NYC to meet us and we had a great time despite the fact that Aubrey's sprained ankle got the best of her. One thing I did learn from this trip was, "I never want to go to NYC in the summer again" and "that despite our smiles, NYC is NOT, I repeat NOT wheelchair friendly"

I was so excited to actually visit Coney Island on this trip

That all said, I absolutely LOVE New York and I had a great time with my girls.

But back to real life. Evan and I returned to Washington to live with mom and dad while we looked for a place to live.  That task turned out to be more difficult that I imagined but it was a nice time for me to spend with my mom.  I was able to go for walks with her, watch chick-flicks and learn how to can fruits and vegetables. 

Finally in September we found a place in University Place. It wasn't what we hoped for but we were SO ready to be living together as a family again. (Jimmy still was camping about 50% of the time so he didn't have to commute.) So September was a time of moving AGAIN!  We also were beginning our journey into homeschooling. I have to say that I probably wanted to change my mind several times out of sheer fear of "not being enough for Evan".  My teaching skills definitely helped but I was in uncharted territory teaching a high school level. But I stayed strong and we have continued to prod along learning the 9th grade together.  

We also knew that we needed to explore our new town.  I am not gonna lie, this was a very dark time for me. I struggled greatly with all the changes. On the plus side, Jimmy was very happy with his new job so that gave me the strength to persevere. Jimmy was great about "getting me out of the house" for walks or just to go grocery shopping with me. One of our favorite places that we found to go walking was at Chambers Bay Golf Course. It has a great walking trail and it is also just beautiful! It was good for the soul.

Another benefit of all these changes was that I was able to travel to the south to help my friends Aubrey move from Florida to Texas.....we traveled across those southern states several time and I became well versed in southern culture!! (Big Red, breakfast tacos, Buc-ees, tornado warnings, Blue Bell Ice-Cream, HEB, bugs...did I say BUGS...the list could go on...)hehe!!! I felt very blessed that the Lord put these circumstances in my life (moving, homeschooling, not working) to be available to help my friend in this way. It was also good for me in general. It was fun to be around a friend for a couple of weeks so I could recharge.

Upon returning I was able to go to a fun women's retreat in Seaside with my mom that was actually hosted by the church we used to attend when we lived in Poulsbo.  It gave me another emotional "charge" and then all the kids came home for Thanksgiving....I even got extras (Keaton's girlfriend also came). It was so great for me to have the family all together even if it we were all stuffed in our tiny apartment. Jimmy noted sometime during the weekend that he could "see how happy this made me!"

December came all too quickly and yet too slowly....it had been a LONG year! We had planned a trip to celebrate all the craziness of the year. We wanted to go someplace tropical but dates with the timeshare and cost just didn't come together for us....so on a whim we booked a trip to Las Vegas with the plan to also go to the Grand Canyon. Let me tell you HOW much fun we had, even with Evan in tow. We saw so much and really just had a fabulous trip. The highlight of course was seeing the Grand Canyon....well worth the 5 hour drive from Vegas.  There was still snow on the ground and I think it was something like 10 degrees when we woke up the next morning, but the views were breath taking!!!!

It was a nice break for us but I was looking forward to seeing my big kids again for Christmas. We did our normal rounds for Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning...then we did something different and fun. We headed up to the cabin for a "Sm-eld Family Christmas" (it is mixing the Smith & Feld names that make up the siblings). It was so nice to get all the family together. I find that I have the greatest joy when we can all get together, whether it is our immediate family, extended or made up family. I very much enjoy being together in love and laughter. It was a great way to spend the holiday.  We even got a little bit of a white Christmas.

The year ended with a trip "home", I know that as 2016 grows on, I need to find a way to call our new home-HOME! But for me this was the perfect way to end the year. We went and stayed with our good friends', Mike & Amy in Oak Harbor and rang in what we hoped to be a far less crazy year!

Before I close, I want to note that the main purpose of this blog entry was to sort of explain away my Facebook posts over this last year. I really have been here and there and have had several people wonder exactly where we live (moved to). In general we don't travel this much. It was an extraordinary year for us in that respect. I don't ever want to portray my life as a "highlight reel". We struggle, this year is a true testament to that but I honestly glossed over that in the two blogs about last year.  It wasn't a purposeful thing to do, its just the way the post manifested. My goal in blogging is to actual BE REAL. I want to remind other women that you don't have to live a perfect life, you just need to live the life that is perfect for you.

~S

Confessions of a Wanna be Runner

Note: I am taking a break from continuing my “Year of Change” series to fill you in on a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t want to share about my experience because in a way it was a failure…but that is exactly why I need to share so that I (as well as others) can “see” the success in not succeeding the way I intended to .  So here goes….(and this is a long one, sorry)

I can’t believe I just said that…yep I was boarding my flight home from Florida and I actually told the guy in line behind me that I had run the Disney World Princess Half Marathon. I wasn’t intending to not be truthful, but trying to explain that I flew to Florida to run a race…and didn’t finish just doesn’t fall off the tongue as easily as one might think.  And in all honesty, I did run (well walked really fast) most of it.

Lets start at the beginning. I am NOT a runner. I want to be, I dream of being…I need one of those visualization dream boards with running girls and cute running shoes all over it…but deep down it is in my heart to get there.  But back to, “I am not a runner”….last January my friend Christine started talking about doing the Disney World Princess Half Marathon together.

We had a plan; do Couch to 5k until Fall, then start the Disney Half Marathon Training Plan. Easy Peasy….eeeh not so much. I did pretty well for the first few weeks, despite all the craziness of the “move” starting. It all fell short when in March I slipped on the rocks outside my house and sprained my ankle, not just a little sprain but a sprain that would not heal for months.  So…well, I focused on the move and not only didn’t try running, To be honest , I was barely walking.

Fast forward to the end of summer. The move was complete and honestly, this would have been the perfect time to get started again. But I was not really doing well with the adjustment of the move and well the race was still several months away. I had “time”.   I kept saying, “I will start in November”, “I’ll go when its not raining”, “Ill go this weekend”….then it became “I’ll start in December”….I think you get the picture. Before I knew it, it was January. I had a few helpless little walks in but nothing “train-worthy”.

So, I attempted to get motivated. I really did work hard despite struggling with mis-fitting shoes and terrible shin splints. I did a fairly good job of getting a speed walk in 3-4 times a week. I was working up to longer distances but on most days didn’t go past 2 miles. My longest to workouts prior to the actual race were only a 3.2 mile and a 4 mile walk. I was coming to a new realization…no matter how hard I tried, running wasn’t happening and my walk was slower than Disney’s 16 minute per mile requirement. On average, I was 16.5 to 17.5 minutes per mile and on bad shin splint days in was more in the 18’s & 19’s.

I spent some time crying-deciding I was a failure. I literally went through every emotion possible with every workout. I would start out gung hoe, then after the shin splints came I filled with doubt, then I would hit a second wind and speed up only to be so exhausted that I wasn’t sure how I would make it home. By the time we got home each time, I was elated….”I’ve got this” swirled in my head.  Then we would start the whole process over again. My husband was SOOOOOO supportive. I don’t know how I would have gotten as much training in as I did without him. He kept me going on most days, rubbed my feet when they were sore and let me be lazy after a hard workout. I love that man….but that’s a whole other blog!  There was a few times in the beginning when he said maybe I should defer my race a year. I heavily considered it, but became determined to finish what I started….what ever that meant for me. 

I decided to set a new goal. And more importantly, prepare my mind for what I was going to do(and capable of). I spent some time reading blogs on past #rundisney races and particularly the #princesshalf. I found several helpful tips from these and decided to set new goals.
#1-I was going to show up to that start line…no matter what!!!  
#2- I was going to aim to finish and would not quit the race unless the race quit me (more on that later)
#3-I really really really wanted to make it to the castle! The epitome of the Princess Half Marathon, but that was 6 miles…..remember I had never trained past 4. To say I was a little skeptical is putting it lightly.
#4-quite possibly the most important, I was going to believe in myself. A hard feat for sure.

Ignorance was bliss all day at the
expo

So I headed off to Florida a few days before the race and made a huge mistake….we went to Magic Kingdom ALL day on the day after I arrived. Then on Thursday, we went to the expo. More walking.  Friday we went to St. Augustine to explore…again, more walking. My feet almost always swell when flying and when walking a lot in heat. So guess what…..I had really fat feet. My shoes didn’t fit. I couldn’t even squeeze them on. I was panicked; I didn’t know what to do. I was resolved to go purchase some new ones. Then on Saturday morning, I had the crazy idea to wear Evan’s shoes (my 14 year old). He wears a men’s 8 so that is like a women’s 9. (which I have now discovered that I need that size in a running shoe). I felt hopeful. I still had swollen feet but the shoes felt good and I was strangely excited about the race.

I will gloss over the boring details of the fact that we carb-loaded for the couple days prior to the race. (definitely read up on this if you are doing a long race)We tried to go to bed early the night before the race. I hydrated well on Saturday so that I didn’t drink too much the morning of the race.  I ate a half of a Cliff Bar, a banana and a package of Cliff Bloks for breakfast.  Then off to the race….

I was more excited that I imagined. I was cute…all mermaided up! Little did I know that tutu’s just might be a runners evil. I don’t think I will ever run in a tutu again. The running wasn’t so bad., it was the bathroom visits that about killed me. (try going in a port-a-potty with said tutu!)  I was in corral M, one corral ahead of Christine and her mom. I was focused and determined and ready to finish this thing. Then I started. I was in a daze. I kept going even when the shin splints hit. Runners and walkers were passing me alike but since I had messed up my timing on Map My Run…I was honestly not sure of how I was doing. The mile marker signs had the time from the beginning of corral A, so I couldn’t really tell how long I had been out there. I stopped once for the bathroom. I made myself get PowerAde at every station but I tried to avoid the bathrooms again. It was a tutu disaster that I didn’t want to revisit!

Around mile 4 we passed the parking tollbooths for Magic Kingdom.
If I was going to quit before that, I found new drive when I realized that I was that close to the castle. I also started wondering where Christine and Vickie were. I was surprised they hadn’t caught me because they could do a much faster pace than me. I texted them around mile 4.5 only to learn that they were right behind me.  I needed to see my friend. I was waning and there was a hill!!!!! She took my hand and literally drug me through the Magic Kingdom. It was amazing when we entered main street and could see the castle. I felt happy and relieved and out of breath!  After we passed through the castle, I knew my pace was slowing and I was pretty sure the balloon ladies were on our tail. I begged Christine to leave me, I was afraid for the first time that I really was going to get swept (where they pick you up on a bus because your pace is too slow). She finally agreed and took off. I kept prodding along, still having not seen the balloon ladies, (The Balloon Ladies are the official 16 minute pace setters-if they pass your, your race may be over)

They are right behind me...eek!

I passed the 10K timing marker! Yay! I did a 10K…that in itself was an accomplishment.  As I rounded the corner to the next drink station, the workers started yelling  “keep going, the balloon ladies are right behind you!” then I heard one say “we aren’t kidding, they are right there!”. I got nervous, but my foot was hurting so bad at this point that all I could do is keep going, at my NOT 16 minute pace. I looked behind me around the 7 mile marker and could see the balloon ladies a few people behind me. I keep going but within the quarter mile they passed me. And before I knew it they were so far ahead that I couldn’t see them. The medics rode up and let us know that there was a hard sweep ahead and we had better "GO" if we could to get ahead of the balloon ladies. I couldn’t…I could keep going at my pace….but not at theirs. So I did the next best thing. At this point I knew that I was getting picked up by a bus so I enjoyed my last half mile the best I could.

I had not stopped for any of the character photos because I didn’t want to get behind pace. So since I knew it was over for me, I stopped at every one I saw from that point on. Unfortunately, there was only two but I enjoyed it and by the time I saw the bus across the road, I was surprisingly contented with my 8 mile END.

Do YOU SEE the bus literally parked across the road!!!
My time was 8 miles in 2.5 hours

Making the best of the end...."We got swept Selfies"

I held it together until I talked to Jimmy and then I started crying. He said all the right things but I still was disappointed in myself.   I cried again when Christine and Vickie got back to the hotel. But after reflection, this is what I have decided are things to be proud of:

#1- I showed up on race day

#2-While my training lacked….all that exercise was/is good for me

#3-I didn’t quit. I couldn’t keep up but I didn’t take myself out.

#4-I went double the distance that I had previously done (8miles) EVER!!!

#5-I made it through the castle!!!!!

#6-Lastly, I am determined to learn from my training mistakes and conquer this race again-I am currently aiming for 2018.

That said, here is my advice for anyone wanting to do a Run Disney race. First of all, they are so fun. I love Disney so it is a natural fit for me.  But ladies (or men) they are a race. I was in lala land believing that my little 6 weeks of couch to 4 miles was going to get me to the end in the allotted time, so……

#1-Train

#2-Train

#3-Train

#4-Get properly fitted at an actual running store for shoes (I cannot tell you how much that has changed my life)

You really do need to set yourself up for success. This isn’t a cheap race. I heard people content with quitting before I even hit 3 miles….I didn’t fly all the way across the country, wear my sons goofy shoes and get up at 3 am to “be ok” quitting and you shouldn’t either.   My best advice would be to actually be able to run below a 16 minute pace for 8 or more miles before even signing up. That way, you know that you have the ability.  Am I still disappointed in myself? Yes, I will always regret that I didn’t take it as seriously as I could have until it was too late. I didn’t set out to not finish and I am pound of what I DID accomplish but the simple fact is, I didn’t finish the half and I will always remember that. 

So I am going to keep training, keep racing…I am already signed up for 2 -5K’s an 8k….cutting the distance down a bit til I get the pace UP!! Then in 2018…I plan to RUN PRINCESS RUN and finish the race! Who's with me?

~Red